Dear Nicole Kidman




Is this a joke?

Nicole Mary Kidman, you have left me stunned. Not because you married a gay actor and then came to your senses and divorced the little midget, but because you were dressed in jewelled crap at the Academy Awards. Gone are the days of the gorgeous dresses by Galliano and Balenciaga and now we are presented with this. What is it? I know again we have gone for Galliano for Dior, usually a match made in heaven, however I am thinking that Nicole is only wearing this to support the suspended lunatic. I can totally understand loyalty to your friends. We all do things that we are not that keen on, just to support our friends through rough times, but wearing this jewelled oriental looking wedding dress isn’t going to help anyone, quite the opposite to be honest.


The dress is just so wrong, the shade of white screams bridal, the jewels are far too obvious and trashy and the shape of the dress makes you look bloated and plain. For a jewelled dress, this is quite a success to be honest. I am also thinking that the hair dresser had the night off due to a mix up, clearly you pulled that pony tail together in the limo. Way too casual for the biggest night of the year. Make up look pretty average, you look pretty, that’s it. I was expecting a knock out from you Miss Kidman, sadly I got served sweet & sour bride and now my teeth hurt from the sparkles. *spits*

Dear Rihanna

Right, I am well aware that you were most likely thinking how to make an impression on the red carpet at Grammys 2011. Few years back, you were the star in rising and had the world by its balls. Then hit Lady GaGa. You knew you had your work cut out for you. We all knew that GaGa would turn up in an egg (as you do), Nicki Minaj turned up looking like she had been rolling in the jungle with a sword and went home via a polyester factory. Katy Perry came dressed as an angel on acid. Let’s just say the competition of the “best” dress was fierce. However, there was no reason to come dressed as a dustbuster. Seriously. It is time to reign in the madness that is happening and put on some garments Miss Red. (I haven’t even got the energy to comment about her hair, revolting). We all know you have an amazing body, but wrapping it in what seems to be doily particles makes me wonder if your amazing body is worth your style choices. The things I would dress you in would make GaGa’s rubber/PVC/beef options look tame and classless. You have all the right ingredients to WOW me on the red carpet, sadly again you did not.
Please get in touch with any questions.

Doily particles

Dear Cyndi Lauper

I am well aware, that sometimes life throws such curve balls at you that you don’t really know which way is up or down or down. I am very familiar with these situations, mostly because I am a bit of a drama queen. I have to admit that I sometimes create drama, just to keep things interesting. I over think and plan and panic about everything. It’s really quite ridiculous, so I am working on it. However, no matter how manic my day is; I always make sure I do not leave the house looking red raw, like good old Cyndi Lauper did this week. I very nearly drowned in my protein shake as I came across this photo. I mean SERIOUSLY! If you do have a little peel ( I am thinking this is the only possibility), you then make extreme precautions NOT to be seen out and about without 100% coverage. Nobody needs to be seen this “Beef Carpaccio” look. Ever. Cindy, I love your work, you are a total star, but for this sparkle has gone. Next time I see you, I will immediately remember this face. Not good. Keep it covered, I am asking nicely.

For an alternative, she could have tried DermaQuest’s Pumpkin Peel. It is a much gentler way to roll back the years and won’t leave you looking like munchkin. Before my 32 birhtday I will go and have one done, results to be shown as a diary once started! Very exciting! For your own appointment and more info, you can click here.

Cyndi Lauper - Beef Carpaccio

 

 

Dear Katie Price

I am fully aware that your life is in total mess. Another husband has been locked out the house, another public divorce and your ex has already moved on. I have no issue with you as a person, but I wish I could have a go at dressing you as clearly you cannot be trusted do it yourself. If this is the work of a stylist, I truly believe they are blind. Firstly, I am NOT loving the blonde hair. The dark brunette made you look somewhat classier. Obviously not classy, but somewhat better. You have done the blonde look to death and with the ratty extensions, I bet your hair smells of dead people. The sunglasses may be D&G, but that doesn’t mean that YOU should be wearing sunglasses made for 12-year-old Italian girls. Since you are the colour of mahogany, these frames just point out the fact that your natural skin colour is long gone. I don’t know if it is your stressful life, but I would also highly recommended a new skin care routine! Seriously. As for the rest of the outfit, sparkling t-shirt that looks like it should be worn into a beach party in Spain, not in the UK. You have also murdered a muppet and worn it as a gilet. Next time, pick a colour of a muppet that won’t make you look like you have been eating fake tan or just refrain from murdering muppets full stop.
Just a thought.

Miss Price

 

Dear Mrs Beckham

Now, I know I am going to get into SO much trouble for posting this, but if I can’t say what I feel on this site, then what is the bloody point of doing this at all? I have not seen our Victoria in flat shoes in years and for this I admire her. She has her own style, not that I always agree with her choices, but she does dress really well. Most often I have a mini heart attack when I see when I look south of her knees. She has the most incredible collection of heels, Christian Louboutin, Jimmy Choo, Rupert Sanderson to name a few. You can imagine the horror when I saw this little outfit! Huge sunglasses, tick. Basic black, tick. Flats, errrmm, tick! I know she is preggers, but that has never stopped her before on teetering on 9 inch heels. Seriously woman. You have created a persona who we all (well not all) adore, part of it is the way you dress. Other women wish they could afford your shoes and be able to walk in them, and gay wish they were also made in size 9 and up (we all know we can walk in them). You have standards to up keep, don’t let them slip! However, as I am feeling little dowinsh today, I will let you go. For this once. Now, quick slip on a heel and take yourself to the nearest restaurant to have some beans.

Victoria Beckham in flats, the shame

Dear Kim Kardashian

Kim Kim Kim. You have one of the most amazing bodies on this planet we call Earth. Why would you choose to wrap it into satin in the shade of burnt orange? If the frontal satin vagina wasn’t bad enough, you are trying to launch into the atmosphere with your silly little ruffles. Kim, you are gorgeous and usually impress me with your fashion choices. This time I rather catapult you to moon myself. Better luck next time?

Kim Kardashian / VH1 Movie Awards 2011