Red Carpet : The Academy Awards 2011

 The biggest night in the entertainment industry and the stars were out in full force to attend the 83rd (right?) Academy Awards. I always look forward to these awards as it is very nearly the end of the award season and I am quite done with looking at dress after dress. Specially as this season I have been served with a lot of crap quite honestly. You can understand my desperation to see some amazing looks and truly enjoy the nearly morning of entertainment. Thankfully Lady GaGa was not invited, I would have had to dismiss her dressing up like  fried egg for this occasion. Born This Way? Honey, no. You weren’t born with horns on your face. Distracted, yes. Annoyed, very much so! I had my wine (can’t concentrate without wine) and I was vibrating from all the coffee I had, I was ready to take on the Oscars. Bring it on! Below is a small selection of the red carpet looks that I for whatever reason paid attention to…
Reese Witherspoon – high pony tail hell

Reese, high pony tail hell, in one sentence. Very “old” look for someone her age. I usually adore Reese and her pointy chin. It’s just fabulous. She is very good at knocking my socks off. However, this time I find it quite dull. For someone who is as stunning as she is and has the access to any designer she wants, she went and picked this. Confuses me to no end. I love seeing her in uber feminine gowns with lots of floaty fabrics, feathers and layers. She can rock the princess look like nobody business. Perhaps this is a classic look for her. She now has the trophy and wanted to attend looking like an Oscar Winner. Honey, we all know you have one and that’s no reason to start dressing like your mother. LOVE the earrings thou. C+

Penelope Cruz – Show girls are us

Penelope, let’s start by stating that I would like her to only speak Spanish from now on. She is so much cooler when she speaks Spanish, her real character comes to live and I love her. When she is speaking English, she bores me to death. Luckily this dress however isn’t boring. I am not so sure if it is “Oscar material” though. It looks more like a dress for a someone who is presenting a game show on a shopping channel. There isn’t anything “wrong” with the dress, just don’t think its appropriate. Little too OTT. Great for the after show parties, but for the show. Not so much. Disappointed. D

Jennifer Hudson – Sunny delight

Jennifer, another Oscar winner, another weird attempt to wow the crowds. I still think she is suffering from “weight loss induced coma”. Her body is blowing everyone’s heads off and she wants to make most of the new attention, enter ORANGE! Nothing screams for attention to orange sheen. Now, the dress isn’t all that bad, shame about the color. It fits her beautifully, tight on the waist and ladies, showing of her new toned figure. From the front the dress isn’t all that bad. The back of it is so offensive, I won’t even include a photo. Shame. I hope she eats a BIG FAT CAKE and gets some sense into her pretty head. C-

Amy Adams – Midnight dream

Amy, one of my favourite dresses. Absolutely. Such a shame it is on her. No, I don’t mean that. She should have put more effort in as this dress is wearing her. She is just the hanger for that amazing gown to be displayed on. Had she dyed her hair slightly darker and worn it up on a high bun, smoky eye, nude lip: The works so to speak. She would have looked sensational. This dress has everything going for it and Amy just needed to match the dresses effort. I also need her to lose the necklace. Its distracting. Thank you kindly. B+ (for the dress) 

Gwyneth Paltrow – The golden sausage

Gwyneth, I fear this dress is almost as bad as the infamous see thru black thing she wore few years back. The shape and color are different, the effect is the same. I do not love it. Odd shade of gold to choose for the tone of your skin. Makes everything look a little washed out. I adored her on recent episode of Glee, she was amazing, sassy, chic and very funny. Plus she does have one of the best set of legs I have seen in a long time. Again, seems that there was no effort with the hair. Were all the hair people on strike? I am wishing on a bra. C-

Celine Dion – The Stiffy

Why is Celine Dion on the red carpet? Surely the entertainment should go in at the back door? Specially if they are dressed like this? Now, Mr Salonen lets calm down. I mean really, for a woman of her age (how old is she? 60?), she looks great. Hair is working, make up is nice and simple and the low-cut front isn’t offensive. I am just not a fan of the hem line. Looks stiff, like it will be difficult to get up the stairs. I always let Celine’s long face interfere with my judgement. I shouldn’t have. I must apologise. Sorry! C

Sandra Bullock – A.M.A.Z.E

Sandra, A-M-A-Z-E! My number one look for the evening. Absolutely sensational gown by Vera Wang and perfect for Sandra. Last year (was it), she won an Oscar and then her private life went to shit to be honest. So, she is back with revenge. I mean you try to look your best just in case your ex is watching or you do this, you pull out all the stops and make sure you stand out on the red carpet. I am in awe. This could also be because she is one of my fav ever personalities and always makes me cry with laughter. I adore Sandra Bullock, so I am perhaps a little biased. Oh well. My site, my rules. Deal with it. A

Anne Hathaway – Washed out in Valentino

Above Anne, is the correct way to do a red dress. This one, not so much. The shade of red manages to wash away Anne completely. She looks little lost almost. The thing is that red is a difficult colour to wear, especially when it is pill-box red. Not a lot of women can get away with it, Anne included. I know it’s Valentino and all that, but I am not a fan of the colour, the shape or the fit. It’s all little “off”. Good try thou. Not so good on the execution. D

Sharon Stone – Crow killer

Sharon, right, so here we have a woman on the verge of psychosis. She has suddenly realized that she isn’t as young as she used to be and all the things she was admired for years ago are heading south, no matter how many staples she uses to keep things pointing north. I am now convinced that the hair people were all on strike. That can be the only explanation for this hideousness that is Sharon’s hair. Her face looks a little tight. Have had more experience with the knife or suffering from a Croydon Facelift? Which is it? Now the dress isn’t all that bad, it would be quite nice really without the dead crow on the shoulder. Am I being too harsh or is this the truth that everyone is thinking? I think she looks tight and not in a good place. D

Hilary Swank – In need of a sausage

Hilary, I am in tow minds, on the other hand I love this look. Very pretty, princess like fairy tale type look. On the other hand she might look a little like a dust buster. I worry about Hilary, she gives me sleepless nights. I kinda want to sit down with her and eat nachos. She could put on a pound or 11. I am perfectly aware that her body type is “lean and mean”. That’s fine, but for this look she could have looked a little “fuller”. Not Simon. Perhaps hair worn down on gorgeous curls would have helped to soften the look. Then again, they could have taken away from the dress. Difficult. Final judgement? I adore it. There, decision made, now I just have to stick to it.  Bummer. A-

Halle Berry – In need of clarification

Halle, ok, again I am not decided. I love the top half. She looks like a sassy pixie. Love it. Once your eyes go southbound it all gets a little too much. Is there a trend going on that I am not aware? Perfectly gorgeous dresses from the top turn into some sort of major international disasters before you hit the feet. I am confused. It’s just too much. Far too much. We should have toned the hem down a little. Huge shame. She could have been on my top 5. Now not so much. Halle, I expected more from you. C

Cate Blanchett – The Elf Queen

Cate, finally, someone tried something different. Undecided if this was a success. Now, the front of the dress blows my head away in so many ways. I adore it. The back of the dress had some sort of urine color beading. Not so lush. I love Cate. She is the Elf Queen. Good for her for doing something different, yet not arriving in an egg (GaGa are you listening?). I do think she looks great. Hair is working, make up is gorgeous. Looks very simple with the “complicated” dress. Great effort and execution. Bravo. (Just not sure about pee shade bead work). B+

Florence Welch – The peed

Florence, great couture piece. Shame that it descends into pee shade at the hem line. Yuck. D

Mila Kunis – Slutsville?

Mila, one of the sluttiest looks of the evening. I am not going to give her anything else. Goodbye.

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Dear Nicole Kidman

Is this a joke?

Nicole Mary Kidman, you have left me stunned. Not because you married a gay actor and then came to your senses and divorced the little midget, but because you were dressed in jewelled crap at the Academy Awards. Gone are the days of the gorgeous dresses by Galliano and Balenciaga and now we are presented with this. What is it? I know again we have gone for Galliano for Dior, usually a match made in heaven, however I am thinking that Nicole is only wearing this to support the suspended lunatic. I can totally understand loyalty to your friends. We all do things that we are not that keen on, just to support our friends through rough times, but wearing this jewelled oriental looking wedding dress isn’t going to help anyone, quite the opposite to be honest.

The dress is just so wrong, the shade of white screams bridal, the jewels are far too obvious and trashy and the shape of the dress makes you look bloated and plain. For a jewelled dress, this is quite a success to be honest. I am also thinking that the hair dresser had the night off due to a mix up, clearly you pulled that pony tail together in the limo. Way too casual for the biggest night of the year. Make up look pretty average, you look pretty, that’s it. I was expecting a knock out from you Miss Kidman, sadly I got served sweet & sour bride and now my teeth hurt from the sparkles. *spits*

Grammy Awards 2011 – Red Carpet

The biggest event in the music calendar of the year and the stars were coming in heavy (some more than others). Egg hatching Lady GaGa and doily wearing Rihanna, made sure that the night wasn’t going to be boring. Anything but to be honest. The fashion was there, some of it not so great. Here are my thoughts on some of the ladies walking the red carpet this gone weekend. I wish I could somehow get inside these women’s heads while they were getting ready, just to see what the hell they were thinking. From the selection below you will soon realize that I wasn’t not particularly happy with these years efforts. Same offenders doing the dirty work. For most I wish they had good friends to tell them that they do not look great, even if the gays are saying fierce.

Nicki Minaj
Right, not quite sure where to start. Her hair seems to have been replaced by giant polyester-candy-cotton type material, which clearly got some damage from her curling iron. If you are using a curling iron on polyester, you must set it on “low”. This will avoid the black burn marks, which are never attractive. Now the outfit, hmmm. I do like leopard print, but when it’s taken to this level, it becomes a little much. It’s really is a shame that Nicki feels the need to go over board when she gets dressed. She is a star in rising and had to compete with ducking GaGa. It’s not easy being Nicki, I am sure. However, outfits like this isn’t going to make it any easier. FACT. Points for trying. D-

Nicki Minaj - The Lost Leopard Lady

Jennifer Lopez
Not quite sure where to start..The shade of silver is amazing against her skin tone. Her shoes are feroosh and liking the clutch (and wondering what she carries with her). I get the idea, fun and playful, little latino and a lot of Jenny from the block. I get it. I just don’t like it very much. The dress is an inch too short, you are a mother of twins, it is time to cover it up a little. The golden rule, either have your legs or your boobs out, but not both. Immediately the look becomes cheap and tacky. She kinda looks like herself 10 years ago. I didn’t like it then and I don’t like it now. C (love the shoes)

Jennifer Lopez - The Latina Disco Queen

Kim Kardashian
This one is clearly not listening at all. I have not been a fan of Kim’s latest looks and this one is no exception. She looks like a Persian Princess minus the moustache. This gold dress makes her look a lot bigger than she actually is. She is famed for having great curves and knows how to play them to her advantage, however this time it just looks like she got hold of some cheap looking gold fabric, cut some pieces out and draped it around herself. If she was wearing a tiara, I would think she was the lost princess of Egypt. Also wish she cut her hair a little, playboy bunny hair is only a good idea within the four walls of the mansion. Again thou, great heels. C-

Kim Kardashian - The Persian Princess minus tach

Heidi Klum
Kim, take note. This is how you do gold. Granted Heidi Klum is a wonder woman who can wear pretty much anything she wants to, but this gold number is a winner. Just the right shade of gold for her tanned German complexion. Amaze. Enough said. B+ (as I am not sure about the cross arm sleeve business).

Heidi Klum - My golden girl (minus sleeves)

Katy Perry
Dear Miss Perry, are you wearing wings? If yes, please explain why. Last time I checked you were not 14 and attending a garden tea party organised by Claire three doors down. This was your choice for the biggest event of the year? Seriously? Or are you taking the piss? You often go a little over the top with your red carpet choices, these choices often confuse me as other times you NAIL it. Remember the stunning gown you wore to the 2009 EMAs? Do you remember? The dress was playful but grown up. Something that you do SO well, when you want to. This year’s Grammys, you clearly didn’t want to. You served me a fluff, jewelled boobs and wings. I am disappointed yet again. GREAT hair thou. D+

Katy Perry - The Tea Party attendee

Jennifer Hudson
I am in love with her new shape. Good for her for taking control. Sadly, she seems to have fallen into the old trap, she has lost weight, but still struggles to find clothes that fit proper. I mean her hooters are being strangled by the cups. Those puppies are screaming to get out and enjoy some fresh air. The dress is actually pretty great, like it. It’s all working for Jennifer, its written all over her beautiful face. That smile is a sure sign of a great look. Shame about strangled boobs! A-

Jennifer Hudson - Let the puppies breathe

I want to love this look, I really do. She tried something different, you know to compete with the Rihanna’s and Lady GaGa’s, but ended up looking like she lost the fight with the OAP she tried to steal the dress fabric from. I have said this before, do not try to steal from little old ladies, they will beat you up. Specially if you have your eyes on their curtains, table cloths of bed linen. In any case, these materials barely make a nice flowing dress and you have to cut a slit that goes so close to the mango, I can almost smell it. Tacky, that’s is all. E+

Ciara - I can smell your mango

Kelly Osbourne

Ladies in Lavender is being made into a special two-hour TV Film, now starring Kelly O and her mother. Tricky color and works much better on darker skin tones. Her tattoos always cheapen any look she serves up, shame. You know what, I will let her off. She is young and recently lost half of her body weight and now wants to celebrate her new frame. Good for you! I do however have some ideas on how to improve your look. You know where to find me when you are ready to listen. C

Kelly Osbourne - Coming to you on BBC this summer

Lady GaGa
The marketing genius that is Lady GaGa arrived in an egg, as you do. Remember before she launched “telephone” she had telephone receivers growing out of her breasts? This is just the same really, only this time she is hatched to “Born This Way”. Good for her for creating buzz around the new single and launching it in a spectacular fashion (did you see the dance moves? Impressed). She is truly is genius for self marketing. I would like to comment on the red carpet outfit. She looked like an egg. There. Her on stage outfit was more beige pvc, which revolts me and when she picked up one of her three awards she re worked one of Madonna’s looks from Blonde Ambition. GaGa I salute your talent, your determination and your take on issues. Your lack of style however concerns me. E

Lady GaGa - Egg wearing style icon?