The biggest night in the entertainment industry and the stars were out in full force to attend the 83rd (right?) Academy Awards. I always look forward to these awards as it is very nearly the end of the award season and I am quite done with looking at dress after dress. Specially as this season I have been served with a lot of crap quite honestly. You can understand my desperation to see some amazing looks and truly enjoy the nearly morning of entertainment. Thankfully Lady GaGa was not invited, I would have had to dismiss her dressing up like fried egg for this occasion. Born This Way? Honey, no. You weren’t born with horns on your face. Distracted, yes. Annoyed, very much so! I had my wine (can’t concentrate without wine) and I was vibrating from all the coffee I had, I was ready to take on the Oscars. Bring it on! Below is a small selection of the red carpet looks that I for whatever reason paid attention to…
- Reese Witherspoon – high pony tail hell
Reese, high pony tail hell, in one sentence. Very “old” look for someone her age. I usually adore Reese and her pointy chin. It’s just fabulous. She is very good at knocking my socks off. However, this time I find it quite dull. For someone who is as stunning as she is and has the access to any designer she wants, she went and picked this. Confuses me to no end. I love seeing her in uber feminine gowns with lots of floaty fabrics, feathers and layers. She can rock the princess look like nobody business. Perhaps this is a classic look for her. She now has the trophy and wanted to attend looking like an Oscar Winner. Honey, we all know you have one and that’s no reason to start dressing like your mother. LOVE the earrings thou. C+
- Penelope Cruz – Show girls are us
Penelope, let’s start by stating that I would like her to only speak Spanish from now on. She is so much cooler when she speaks Spanish, her real character comes to live and I love her. When she is speaking English, she bores me to death. Luckily this dress however isn’t boring. I am not so sure if it is “Oscar material” though. It looks more like a dress for a someone who is presenting a game show on a shopping channel. There isn’t anything “wrong” with the dress, just don’t think its appropriate. Little too OTT. Great for the after show parties, but for the show. Not so much. Disappointed. D
- Jennifer Hudson – Sunny delight
Jennifer, another Oscar winner, another weird attempt to wow the crowds. I still think she is suffering from “weight loss induced coma”. Her body is blowing everyone’s heads off and she wants to make most of the new attention, enter ORANGE! Nothing screams for attention to orange sheen. Now, the dress isn’t all that bad, shame about the color. It fits her beautifully, tight on the waist and ladies, showing of her new toned figure. From the front the dress isn’t all that bad. The back of it is so offensive, I won’t even include a photo. Shame. I hope she eats a BIG FAT CAKE and gets some sense into her pretty head. C-
- Amy Adams – Midnight dream
Amy, one of my favourite dresses. Absolutely. Such a shame it is on her. No, I don’t mean that. She should have put more effort in as this dress is wearing her. She is just the hanger for that amazing gown to be displayed on. Had she dyed her hair slightly darker and worn it up on a high bun, smoky eye, nude lip: The works so to speak. She would have looked sensational. This dress has everything going for it and Amy just needed to match the dresses effort. I also need her to lose the necklace. Its distracting. Thank you kindly. B+ (for the dress)
- Gwyneth Paltrow – The golden sausage
Gwyneth, I fear this dress is almost as bad as the infamous see thru black thing she wore few years back. The shape and color are different, the effect is the same. I do not love it. Odd shade of gold to choose for the tone of your skin. Makes everything look a little washed out. I adored her on recent episode of Glee, she was amazing, sassy, chic and very funny. Plus she does have one of the best set of legs I have seen in a long time. Again, seems that there was no effort with the hair. Were all the hair people on strike? I am wishing on a bra. C-
- Celine Dion – The Stiffy
Why is Celine Dion on the red carpet? Surely the entertainment should go in at the back door? Specially if they are dressed like this? Now, Mr Salonen lets calm down. I mean really, for a woman of her age (how old is she? 60?), she looks great. Hair is working, make up is nice and simple and the low-cut front isn’t offensive. I am just not a fan of the hem line. Looks stiff, like it will be difficult to get up the stairs. I always let Celine’s long face interfere with my judgement. I shouldn’t have. I must apologise. Sorry! C
- Sandra Bullock – A.M.A.Z.E
Sandra, A-M-A-Z-E! My number one look for the evening. Absolutely sensational gown by Vera Wang and perfect for Sandra. Last year (was it), she won an Oscar and then her private life went to shit to be honest. So, she is back with revenge. I mean you try to look your best just in case your ex is watching or you do this, you pull out all the stops and make sure you stand out on the red carpet. I am in awe. This could also be because she is one of my fav ever personalities and always makes me cry with laughter. I adore Sandra Bullock, so I am perhaps a little biased. Oh well. My site, my rules. Deal with it. A
- Anne Hathaway – Washed out in Valentino
Above Anne, is the correct way to do a red dress. This one, not so much. The shade of red manages to wash away Anne completely. She looks little lost almost. The thing is that red is a difficult colour to wear, especially when it is pill-box red. Not a lot of women can get away with it, Anne included. I know it’s Valentino and all that, but I am not a fan of the colour, the shape or the fit. It’s all little “off”. Good try thou. Not so good on the execution. D
- Sharon Stone – Crow killer
Sharon, right, so here we have a woman on the verge of psychosis. She has suddenly realized that she isn’t as young as she used to be and all the things she was admired for years ago are heading south, no matter how many staples she uses to keep things pointing north. I am now convinced that the hair people were all on strike. That can be the only explanation for this hideousness that is Sharon’s hair. Her face looks a little tight. Have had more experience with the knife or suffering from a Croydon Facelift? Which is it? Now the dress isn’t all that bad, it would be quite nice really without the dead crow on the shoulder. Am I being too harsh or is this the truth that everyone is thinking? I think she looks tight and not in a good place. D
- Hilary Swank – In need of a sausage
Hilary, I am in tow minds, on the other hand I love this look. Very pretty, princess like fairy tale type look. On the other hand she might look a little like a dust buster. I worry about Hilary, she gives me sleepless nights. I kinda want to sit down with her and eat nachos. She could put on a pound or 11. I am perfectly aware that her body type is “lean and mean”. That’s fine, but for this look she could have looked a little “fuller”. Not Simon. Perhaps hair worn down on gorgeous curls would have helped to soften the look. Then again, they could have taken away from the dress. Difficult. Final judgement? I adore it. There, decision made, now I just have to stick to it. Bummer. A-
- Halle Berry – In need of clarification
Halle, ok, again I am not decided. I love the top half. She looks like a sassy pixie. Love it. Once your eyes go southbound it all gets a little too much. Is there a trend going on that I am not aware? Perfectly gorgeous dresses from the top turn into some sort of major international disasters before you hit the feet. I am confused. It’s just too much. Far too much. We should have toned the hem down a little. Huge shame. She could have been on my top 5. Now not so much. Halle, I expected more from you. C
- Cate Blanchett – The Elf Queen
Cate, finally, someone tried something different. Undecided if this was a success. Now, the front of the dress blows my head away in so many ways. I adore it. The back of the dress had some sort of urine color beading. Not so lush. I love Cate. She is the Elf Queen. Good for her for doing something different, yet not arriving in an egg (GaGa are you listening?). I do think she looks great. Hair is working, make up is gorgeous. Looks very simple with the “complicated” dress. Great effort and execution. Bravo. (Just not sure about pee shade bead work). B+
- Florence Welch – The peed
Florence, great couture piece. Shame that it descends into pee shade at the hem line. Yuck. D
- Mila Kunis – Slutsville?
Mila, one of the sluttiest looks of the evening. I am not going to give her anything else. Goodbye.
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