Blog

29.03.2011

People of the world, I have coined a new term, SkinnyFAT.
I’m thinking I should give you all a little background and how I came to create this new term. You know me,obsessed with the gym. If I haven’t hit the gym at least five times on any average week, I start going a little nuts so to speak. I work hard on this body of mine and take great pride in what I have achieved. However, the last month. Yes,month I have been slacking off. First I wasn’t feeling 100% and then just couldn’t be asked to go lift weights,much to my PT’s dismay. Thank god she lives far far away. Phew. So the last month I have been going to the gym maybe twice a week. Most people would call this “maintaining”. I call it slacking off and have had numerous conversations with myself,trying to boost myself to go and work it out. These conversations haven’t helped really.

SkinnyFAT is when I gym toned (athletic,a body that could model underwear) starts to lose its tone. See,I don’t get fat if I skip the gym, I lose muscle and definition in a catastrophic rate and become flabby,yet thin. This confuses me greatly and have not found a word to describe it,so had to make one up. Easy. I totally understand people who don’t excercise and get fat. That’s given if you eat pizza and chips and lay on the couch. However,these people don’t understand people like me (most people don’t), for me losing weight is the worst thing that can happen. I rather put on a stone than lose couple of pounds. I know I can lose a stone within days,but gaining couple  pounds takes weeks.

Currently I am on my SkinnyFAT phase. I know I’m not fat. I know I’m not thin either. I guess most people would call me “athletic”.  I am looking a little too lean for my liking and flabby. My six-pack is looking a little sad and this causes great distress. Now you are all thinking that I have finally lost my marbles. Just remember that flabbyness is relative too, just like muscle gain. I am dead serious. For most people looking good and feeling great isn’t on the same level as it is for me and my fitness dedicated friends. We often talk about how  society discriminates fat people, on the same level we are so sick and tired of justifying our way of living. Clean eating, exercising to the limit of being obsessed and no drinking. However, all the above I have slipped in the last month and I hate myself for it. I miss the buzz from the gym. I miss the energy and the immediate results after an ab workout. UGH! I miss feeling great and looking like I could be in a Aussiebum advert. Dont get me wrong, I know my body rocks even on SkinnyFAT phase, however, rocking or not, it isn’t “good enough” for me. Therefore, I have now made a plan.

Back to my bionic self with PRIDE. Lift or go home. Do or die.

pre SkinnyFAT phase

  03.03.2011  

 

Keep calm and whip your hair back and front

 

 

 

Only me

 

21.02.2011  

 

The above image is the number of calories I burned the other morning on the step machine (how retro am I) in 25min. They don’t call me bionic for nothing.

I started thinking. Why do I get up at 6.15 and hit the gym for some serious cardio? Why do I lift weights five times per week?  I’m blessed with my metabolism, it still runs like I’m 11. People warned me that when I turn 30 it would slow down. It has not. I can still pretty much eat what the hell I want and be a very proud owner of a six-pack. Then I thought, why do I work out? Is it because I like the way it improves my body and my looks, or because of the compliments I get not only from my partner, but from friends and etc? Do I enjoy it because I get to use all my “extra” energy and then feel totally wiped out after a good workout?

As I was climbing the steps, it hit me. I workout because I…wait for it..want to. Still not entire sure about why,but I do want to. Shocking. It’s partly about vanity,to be able to wear wife beaters and look good in them,to be able to wear t-shirts that you can see my pecs through them and be confident wearing fitted trousers as I know my butt is high and mighty. Is that all thou? Is there an underlining reason that I haven’t figured out yet? One reason is definitely looking hawt for the man.

Another thing that pushes me is the eternal fear of looking skinny. I definitely suffer some from of body image issues as even now being 6foot tall and weighing 12stone,I still look in the mirror and see a skinny me starting back. I lift heavier weights and chow down my protein to build on muscle,just to get rid of the skinny me inside my head!

I look in the mirror and am happy with most things I see. My pecs are a genetic miracle,my shoulders take bulk and shape quickly and my arms are nicely defined. I would still like them bigger,so working on that. I don’t like my back. It seems tiny and doesn’t really bulk up. Recently I’ve lost some of the definition on my abs,which is why I’ve added more cardio. My legs are just my legs,defined but not huge. I do know they are quite strong, so that’s something. My glutes have started to head south and this gives me the most distress. I take great pride in my butt and seeing it change with age is really quite disturbing.

Mostly thou,I am happy with what I have achieved. Some days it’s enough,other I would swap with anyone. Has the scene imprinted ideas in my head of what a 30 something gay man should look like? Absolutely. Do I aim to “fit” the mould? Totally. Not really sure if this a good thing per ce,but something I have to live with. I workout to please myself,the man,the scene and the rest of the people who see me. It maybe about me wanting to train,but the underline reason is there. Sadly.

I shall now go and hit the cardio to clear my head. Work on a sweat,for whatever reason works for you.

15.02.2011

Gay, 31 and always broke.
So, I’m on my last month of being 31 and I have started thinking about what this all means. I’m seriously in my 30’s now, there is no denying it, no matter which way you look at it. Am I comfortable being almost 32? Yes. Totally! Have I achieved everything I wanted to before I turn 32? Hardly. Being gay and living in London is a tricky business. I work hard on my 9 to 5 job and then spend every awake minute thinking about new things to write about not on one site, but three! Keeps me busy, yes. Do I get satisfaction from it? Yes. Do I get paid for it, no! This creates a dilemma. I do what I love (writing) most of the time I’m awake, yet it’s a not the profession I get paid for. Not that easy to deal with. I have applied to numerous journo jobs and get turned down every time. “Not what we are looking for”, yet my friends tell me what a talented, witty and incredible writer I am. WTF?

London takes a lot out of you. Unless you are on a high income, you are constantly chasing your tail. I thought living in London would mean going out, dancing, drinking, theatre, movies, shows etc every week. I don’t really. Yes, the occasional show. The fact that I don’t earn much money, limits not only the entertainment options, but my social life as well. It’s difficult to keep up with your friends who are on £10K or more than you. For them paying £50 on a dinner means nothing, for me it’s two weeks travel. I don’t feel bad about never having any money or missing out on stuff, that’s fine. I do feel odd about being gay, in my EARLY 30s and not living in London as I view I should be.
Is it me who needs to stop thinking I don’t “do” enough?

Two sides to the coin, as I’m happily engaged (married come late April) to an amazing man, I don’t often feel the need to leave the house as everything I might need is at home. Does this make me a sad loser? Some might say yes. I struggle with the way other gays might view me or us as a couple. Yes, we might be coupled up, but that shouldn’t mean that we are boring, right? I have financial issues that stop me from time to time doing stuff, but surely I shouldn’t feel like I’m missing out? I’m happy about staying home, walking the dogs, doing the gym thing and just “being” at home. Why does it feel like the scene doesn’t let me?

Getting over 30,knowing yourself better, getting 100% comfortable with your body (working on that), learning from life and trying to “fit in”. Fit in of what I think I should be doing or fitting in what I think they gays think I should be doing? I think I look the part, I could play the “scene gay” and go out wearing my t-shirt’s, looking buff and have amazing hair. Sure, from time to time I do go and do my little showpony dance and I love it. However, if I don’t want to go out every Friday, Saturday etc. Why does that make me feel like I’m doing something “wrong”? Don’t know if it would be a different situation if I earned £10K more per year? Would I go out more with my man or still choose to stay in and drink nicer red while watching ANTM?

I work out, I look after my skin, I have a great head of hair and keep myself in balanced inside out and yet I feel like I am failing as a gay man as I’m not out socializing, but most often rather stay home with man. This could all be in my imagination and maybe other gays wish they had someone to stay home with? It’s the expectations of myself that I struggle with, clearly.

Damn it. I’m bionic and have an ass that just won’t quit. Why do I feel like it is a problem for other gays that I rather stay home? Or is it my upcoming birthday of 32,that’s making me prefer dinners in with friends (sexuality undefined) or lazy Sunday brunche in a pub from clubbing? Am I an old fart? No. Am I boring? Perhaps. Am I bored? Nope. Am I happy? Totally. Am I am over thinker? CLEARLY! Will I let this get to me? Possibly.

I’m 31 (for another 4 weeks) hawt gay man with even hotter man. Don’t judge me for wanting stay home, even if I did have couple of million in the bank!

If the hair is up, its all good. Right?

03.02.2011

Last night I needed a little extra help to keep calm. My working life is spiralling out of control and most days I would rather just stay in bed, pull the covers over my head and wait till sun set. Unfortunately this isn’t going to happen. I must keep pushing forward. From an outsider my life, most likely seems perfect. I have an incredible husband-to-be, I don’t even need to go into details. He is just incredible. I can’t wait to say “I do”. This is all very exciting. However, what’s lurking under the covers is my constant battle with work and finances. I am 31 (32 in mere five week’s) and career-wise I am nowhere near I wanted to be. I wanted to be a vet when I was little, but then worked as a vet’s assistant, that went out the window! At uni I did degrees in PR and Marketing, thinking that was what I wanted to do. Turns out, not so much. The last three years I have been in a job that I have learned to like and just before end of 2010 I realized that I wanted to become a journalist, this is the road I am still on. Trying to make this happen, seriously. Pushing from every direction possible, but nothing. I have been turned down on numerous vacancies in the last three months and this week it all got a little too much as my bank account is looking scary empty. I can’t see the light, the tunnel is dark and cold. Seems that there is no way out. So, I drank my coffee from this mug. “Keep calm and carry on”. Which is exactly what I am going to do! No other way around it. This will happen. I know it will. I would just like it to happen sooner than later. Dear Universe, I am asking nicely.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: